My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
