At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
