If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
