sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
why is half of my head shaved?
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