She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The Olympian is in my bed
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
