fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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