I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
