I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
