Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
