God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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