i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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