I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
