I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
