Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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