You really coming over, don't trick.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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