Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
