I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize