Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
