we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Shame is for Republicans.
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