in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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