So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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