i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
