Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
