She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
