she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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