i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
