he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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