Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just found a bag of teeth...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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