I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
