I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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