I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
