He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He kissed a someone with a penis
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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