Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
