Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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