I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
