dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
