You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
