mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
