What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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