This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize