I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
