The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
