My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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