i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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