i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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