turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
