ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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