I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
