i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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