I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
