I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
