He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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