i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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