The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
pray to the hookup gods
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize