a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
