is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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