Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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