You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize