I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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