it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
