Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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