captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
