My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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