Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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