lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
