Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
