Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
