I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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